I haven’t tried since that first year it all happened back in ‘93. I’ve focused completely on trying to get past it and be my form of normal.
After my trip to Dubai where a masseuse told me my legs had atrophied muscles despite the fact that I work out intensely 5 days a goddamn week (including hours on the Stairmaster!), I just got mad and went to a podiatrist when I got home…who then said the same thing about muscle atrophy and was in awe of what I had overcome and am compensating for (I’m not kidding, he was in awe and it brought tears to my eyes because sometimes you don’t want to be reminded of the fact that you do something extraordinary every day. You just want to pretend that that part of you is “normal”…when it’s not). He convinced me to try physical therapy again.
Two weeks in and it’s been frustrating, tough, sometimes painful and just weird. They have me trying to wake up muscles that have been asleep for decades. For some of them, it may be impossible because of the nerve damage, but my physical therapists say some of them can be awakened.
Because I’m an athlete, the physical stuff, the strain, the pain, the repetition and discipline come naturally for me. They push me harder than they’d push most. I can do that. The mental part is the part that f*cks with me. It’s where it feels like stepping off a cliff where I have to believe I can fly when I am sure I’ll drop.
I use my eyes to compensate for a LOT. So, for example, I walk looking at my feet to make sure my feet are there because I don’t really feel them. When I don’t look, I feel like I’ll trip or fall. It feels like walking with robot legs made by Elon Musk; I don’t trust them, lol. It’s why I don’t like walking with people and why it’s hard for me to talk to people I don’t know when I’m walking.
I’ve done TV interviews where they wanted me to stroll with the journalist while we talked…those are HELL. To concentrate on saying intelligent things while thinking “raise leg, put leg down” etc nearly makes my head explode. I’d rather just do it than explain why it’s hard. It’s why I'm sitting down during my TED Talk (they wanted me on my feet walking about the stage, but that was just too hellish for me in front of that crowd, being recorded to be seen millions of times, while needing to remember and speak well).
I have to now walk without looking at my legs. Maaaaan, it’s scary. I am to walk looking up and also focus on grasping my feet to the ground. Lol, I’m such restless person. I’m always doing something, working on something, changing something…when I’m someone who hates change, 😆.
Anyway, while working on my projects, I’ve been working on myself, heh.
- Nnedi Okorafor (May 25, 2024)
